Autistic Loner, Not by My Choice.

I have always been pretty quiet around people that I don’t know or barely know. Once I become comfortable with someone, I often open up with them. In fact, many times, the floodgates open and I attempt to tell them all about myself. I tell my life story to them. That’s when most of them decide to vacate and fade out of my life. I have no understanding why showing that I trust them enough to share my story with them runs them off, but it usually does.

My entire life I have usually only had one or two friends at a time. I am in my 50s now and it is still like this. I like people and I try very hard to be polite and a nice person. It doesn’t seem to matter. Because I look at people in the mouth instead of in the eyes, and other so called “quirks” of being Autistic, I am most often rejected. This is part of my story and the story of many others just like me.

And yet, people can’t understand why Autistic Adults are calling for more than simple Autism Awareness, we want Autism Acceptance. We don’t want to be rejected, shunned and excluded for being Autistic; for being “different.” We want to be welcomed and accepted, just the way we are, Autistic. We are not that much different that we can’t be good friends. Please give us a chance. We are loyal and good people. We are Autistic. Autistic is alright. It really is.

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Categories: Abuse Stories, Autism | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

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12 thoughts on “Autistic Loner, Not by My Choice.

  1. I related a lot to this. I have been working on keeping the floodgates closed for a long time, it’s just really hard to know how much is “enough” and how much is “too much” and how much is “not enough”…

    • Aloha E (The Third Glance),

      I tend to over-share as soon as I become comfortable with someone. I also don’t have a good idea about how much is “too much.” I have to assume that my natural inclination is to share “too much” because most people seem to become uncomfortable with my amount of openness. I sure wish it was easier to get it right.

  2. I can relate to this, too… back in the day when I was an OT student. I did not drive my classmates nuts only because they knew I am an otherwise nice pleasant guy and that they believed I would eventually improve (which I did over time as I become mindful of this tendency).

  3. Steve, you are such a sweet soul, and you wrote this so beautifully! And what you say is so true. I always feel I am bothering people, like I have no right to say anything. Even as a performer, my first reaction at every show is, “Who are these wonderful people, and why am I bothering them?”, even though they are there to see me and the band! It is excruciatingly hard to write this, or connect on Facebook and Twitter. I force myself, and then I am happy and proud I did it (most of the time, but my natural state, when not performin, is to be a little turtle in my shell.
    There, you see? I have commented too much! That is the other thing! Once open, I am completely open, like an overaffectionate puppy! What is that all about? What are the rules? What is the “Right amount”? Perhaps just loving people. Perhaps that is all that is needed. If we accept others and show our love in little ways, that is okay. It must be, for that is all I can offer most of the time. You do this well, little brother. You are my friend ❤
    Sending love to Amy, too! XO!

  4. sparksofautism

    I had to force myself to respond to this. I can relate so much, i always feel that what i say wont to good enough or smart enough or funny enough. So much so that i find it hard to even have an opinion anymore and i avoid in depth conversation with most people except my husband. Generally when i do open up i am met with fairly positive reaction but that doesn’t make it any easier.
    I love this post and i wish i could meet you and chat with you and show you that not everyone would dismiss you in such a way, i would love to hear your stories.

  5. It is often hard to get past self-doubt. Being welcomed and accepted helps so very much to sooth that self-doubt. I sure hope that our world can learn to be much more accepting that different is not wrong. We sure could use a lot more comfort and safety.

    I am glad that you love my post. Thank you. It would be nice to meet and chat someday.

    I hope to share some more of my stories in future blog posts bit by bit.

  6. Pingback: Autistic Loner, Not by My Choice. | Merely Quirky

  7. Rosanna

    Yep. I can for sure relate as well. Too much or not enough. I can never please people :/

  8. I relate very much to this, as it has been my experience completely. And then there’s the times when I try so hard to be friendly with someone and act “normal” and there is only so long I can keep that up before they get a glimpse of the real me, the me that they are uncomfortable around.

  9. Leni

    That is me!

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