Posts Tagged With: Undiagnosed

Judgment and Oppression vs Love and Acceptance

Yesterday, a family member called to wish our son a Happy Birthday. As far as I can tell, that part of the phone call went well. However, after the phone was handed back to me an old familiar thing happened. I was told how I needed to do something differently than I am. I was subjected to the same old disapproval that I have been suffering from my whole life. I was given unwanted/unrequested criticism, correction and advice.

I have lived with shaming and disapproval for my “different” behavior my entire life. I am a mess of mental and emotional wounds and scars. This is the legacy of a childhood of being constantly shamed and punished for being an undiagnosed Autistic, an atypical undiagnosed child.

Unwanted “advice” always takes away my comfort. It is like ripping open an old wound or sticking a knife into one of them. Despite the clear boundaries that I have tried to put in place, this “loved one” once again triggered feelings of never being “good enough” for them. There I was enjoying my son’s birthday and bam! here comes anxiety from disapproval and oppression by a loved one.

I don’t want or need constant criticism, correction and disapproval from a “loved one” who spent so much time hurting me as they tried to make me more “normal.” I am really so done with putting up with that kind of treatment. Somehow, they even try to turn this around and make it a matter of my need to “forgive” them. I really don’t understand how someone who has treated me wrongly can demand that I “forgive all” without ever actually apologizing for this continuing emotional manipulation and abuse.

I am trying very hard to reduce the stress and anxiety in my life. This person never fails to induce bad feelings, anxiety and stress with their never-ending criticisms and disapproval. I really feel like I am under attack. I need to avoid this toxic oppression of my self-confidence and self-esteem.

I used to share “Don’t judge me” memes but now I think that we need some new memes that say “Don’t oppress me!”

I want unconditional love and acceptance. I don’t want constant criticism, emotional manipulation, and abuse. Is that so hard? I think that many Autistic people will agree with me on this. Love and Acceptance is what we need.

Categories: Abuse Stories, Autism | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Born Autistic, Always Autistic, Even Prior to My Diagnosis

I would like to say something about my Autism Diagnosis and my social issues. I did not suddenly become Autistic on the day that I was diagnosed (as an adult). I have been Autistic since the day that I was born.

I was very well aware that I did not “fit in” well with most other people. I sometimes even told people that, even though I am polite and know to say “please” and “thank you,” my social skills are “poor.” I knew that I didn’t understand the social rules, no matter how much that I tried, and I admitted to having “bad social skills” to people before my diagnosis.

You know those scenes in movies and on TV where people go into a bar by themselves and go up to the bar for a drink? That was not me! I would never go into a bar unless I was with a friend or co-worker. I would never go into a place like that by myself. It just didn’t happen. It still doesn’t happen. I need to have someone that I already know to cling to, in order to function in that type of social situation.

I have always socially blundered along, accidentally offending and alienating people without any clue as to what I was doing wrong.

Now, I am disappointed to report that even though I have been diagnosed with a social disability, and I am known to be Autistic, people still don’t understand these things about me.

Even people who claim to understand Autism expect social perfection from me. Sorry, I am not wired that way and I am never going to be socially perfect. I can try really hard, but, I often blunder about making a real mess of things.

I sure wish that my loved ones and friends would understand my social skills disability and cut me some slack. It is frustrating that they seem to hold me to some impossible high standard based on an invisible social rule-book that I don’t have access to and can’t understand nor measure up to.

Unfortunately, many get offended at my every little mis-step and then they go on the attack, or withdraw without explaining it to me. It makes navigation of the social world that much harder for me because I suddenly get attacked for the delivery of my message and the actual message gets lost in the noise about how it was said instead of getting back to the core matter at hand. Sometimes they simply fail to reply and that leaves me lost and confused as to what the heck went wrong. Silence from others is so hurtful to me.

Please accept that I am well meaning and kind, but, I am socially clumsy and I am very likely to say or do things that don’t always fit the “hidden social norms.” Please accept me as an Autistic Adult and adjust your expectations accordingly. Please assume that I mean well even if I do make some mistakes. Thank you.

Categories: Autism | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

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