Autistic Social Skills: Cut me Some Slack Please

Why, as an Autistic person, do I find myself spending an inordinate amount of my time and thought processing on trying to making sure that I don’t “offend” anyone, when nearly nobody cares one bit if they offend me? What is up with that?

I am always second-guessing the things that I say, or write, to be sure that they are not going to offend anyone. I find that most other people don’t give a darn if they offend me. They do whatever they want without giving it even a passing thought. This is a serious unbalance of social consideration.

Since I have a DIAGNOSED CONDITION, that has a core feature of having difficulty with social situations, I should be given the benefit of the doubt when I am trying to communicate with other people. They should be looking at ways of helping me to get my message across instead of nit-picking my word choices.

Nobody is perfect, but it seems like people demand perfection from me when they are dealing with an area that I am diagnosed to have difficulty. Why then do they seem to DEMAND perfection from me when they don’t seem to care if they, themselves, offend anyone? What is up with this double-standard way of thinking about things?

No wonder so many Autistic people get frustrated with the world at large. You demand social perfection from Autistic people that most of you donʻt bother to even try to attain in your own social interactions. It is really unbalanced. It is just plain unfair and wrong for you to demand perfection from us when you donʻt seem to care to provide the same considerations to us!

Disrespectful and rude people are telling you all about themselves by the way they treat others. You donʻt need to allow them to bring you down. They are showing themselves to have a problem that you donʻt need to take on as your own problem.

I am going to keep on trying my best to be considerate and kind to others. I am going to keep on trying to Live Aloha! Living Aloha makes the world a better place for all of us! 

Here is my friend Paul Leo Klink speaking about the meaning of “Live Aloha” as well as other positive motivational things about the good that the attitude of Living Aloha does for everyone. – www.LiveAloha.org

Aloha

Socializing as an Autistic: The Burden of Second Guessing

It happens like this. One day I ran into someone at a gas station that I had not seen for a while. It was nice to see them and I enjoyed seeing them. However, as I drove away, an old familiar though process kicked in. —

1. Did I say the right things?
2. Did I forget to say something?
3. Should I have extended my hand for a friendly handshake?
4. Should I have given a quick hug?
5. Did I look at the person’s face enough?
6. Did I look at their face too much?
7. Did my eyes dart around too much and make them uncomfortable?
8. Boy, I sure hope that they enjoyed talking with me.
9. And so on…  

This is the burden that I seem to have to bear during, and after, nearly every social interaction that I have with people. I feel so out of place, like a fish out of water.

Even though people should understand that my social skills will be spotty because I am Autistic, I rarely come away from social interactions without second guessing myself.  

I don’t know if I will ever be able to feel like I am totally getting these things right. Please know that I am concerned about doing the right things. Please know that I really do enjoy catching up with my friends. Please don’t ever get the idea that I don’t like you if you see me being awkward, or uncomfortable, during any social encounter. I really do like talking with you even if I am not that good at it. I am friendly even if it doesn’t’ always seem readily apparent. 

Thank you for your understanding of my Autistic social anxieties. Please remember that I am trying hard to do the right things. My mind is racing behind the conversation to come up with the right words. Please allow me a little extra time to process my thoughts. Please know that I value your time, attention, and friendship. 

Image from: http://dirksbigbunnyblog.blogspot.com/2012/10/blog-post_8.html

Judgment and Oppression vs Love and Acceptance

Yesterday, a family member called to wish our son a Happy Birthday. As far as I can tell, that part of the phone call went well. However, after the phone was handed back to me an old familiar thing happened. I was told how I needed to do something differently than I am. I was subjected to the same old disapproval that I have been suffering from my whole life. I was given unwanted/unrequested criticism, correction and advice.

I have lived with shaming and disapproval for my “different” behavior my entire life. I am a mess of mental and emotional wounds and scars. This is the legacy of a childhood of being constantly shamed and punished for being an undiagnosed Autistic, an atypical undiagnosed child.

Unwanted “advice” always takes away my comfort. It is like ripping open an old wound or sticking a knife into one of them. Despite the clear boundaries that I have tried to put in place, this “loved one” once again triggered feelings of never being “good enough” for them. There I was enjoying my son’s birthday and bam! here comes anxiety from disapproval and oppression by a loved one.

I don’t want or need constant criticism, correction and disapproval from a “loved one” who spent so much time hurting me as they tried to make me more “normal.” I am really so done with putting up with that kind of treatment. Somehow, they even try to turn this around and make it a matter of my need to “forgive” them. I really don’t understand how someone who has treated me wrongly can demand that I “forgive all” without ever actually apologizing for this continuing emotional manipulation and abuse.

I am trying very hard to reduce the stress and anxiety in my life. This person never fails to induce bad feelings, anxiety and stress with their never-ending criticisms and disapproval. I really feel like I am under attack. I need to avoid this toxic oppression of my self-confidence and self-esteem.

I used to share “Don’t judge me” memes but now I think that we need some new memes that say “Don’t oppress me!”

I want unconditional love and acceptance. I don’t want constant criticism, emotional manipulation, and abuse. Is that so hard? I think that many Autistic people will agree with me on this. Love and Acceptance is what we need.

An Autistic Core Feature: Difficulty With Social Interactions.

What is a core feature of Autism Spectrum Conditions (ASC)? – 

Difficulty with social interactions. 

Should you be angry or rude with someone in a wheelchair because they cannot walk? NO, you should not!
Should you become angry if someone who has hearing difficulties asks you to repeat yourself? Of course not! 

Similarly, knowing that one of the main issues for many Autistic people is having impaired social skills, should you become angry and/or rude to an Autistic for an unintentional social error? I don’t think you should.

With Autism, you should take a person’s good intentions into account instead of getting all wrapped up in a poor choice of words, or an unintentional social error. I want to do the right thing, but, I don’t always know the right words to say. Please help us by being kind and understanding. Please practice acceptance and tolerance for our differences. Please work with us, instead of against us.

Perhaps the self-proclaimed “Perfect People” who nit-pick and criticize the communication style of Autistics could keep this in mind? Perhaps they could cut us some slack and look at the actual intended meaning of our communications instead of getting all wrapped up in being offended by the way we say something?

Maybe they could STOP correcting us for the way we have said something, and instead try listening to the intent of what we are saying? Would that be too much to ask? I don’t think it is.

Please listen to the intended message of our communications and don’t side-track into telling us that we are not using the right “tone.” For most of us, our natural tendency is to “tell it like it is.” We tend to be honest and blunt. We are unlikely to “sugar coat” the things that we say. Isn’t honesty always the best policy? Yes it is. So honor our honesty instead of getting offended by our blunt “tone.”

This is so basic to understanding Autism that I don’t understand why so many people don’t grasp this concept. Difficulty with social interactions is a CORE feature of Autism. Please understand this. Don’t be so easily offended by us! We try very hard. Give this some thought before correcting us on how we are saying things! Thank you!