Autistic Social Skills: Cut me Some Slack Please

Why, as an Autistic person, do I find myself spending an inordinate amount of my time and thought processing on trying to making sure that I don’t “offend” anyone, when nearly nobody cares one bit if they offend me? What is up with that?

I am always second-guessing the things that I say, or write, to be sure that they are not going to offend anyone. I find that most other people don’t give a darn if they offend me. They do whatever they want without giving it even a passing thought. This is a serious unbalance of social consideration.

Since I have a DIAGNOSED CONDITION, that has a core feature of having difficulty with social situations, I should be given the benefit of the doubt when I am trying to communicate with other people. They should be looking at ways of helping me to get my message across instead of nit-picking my word choices.

Nobody is perfect, but it seems like people demand perfection from me when they are dealing with an area that I am diagnosed to have difficulty. Why then do they seem to DEMAND perfection from me when they don’t seem to care if they, themselves, offend anyone? What is up with this double-standard way of thinking about things?

No wonder so many Autistic people get frustrated with the world at large. You demand social perfection from Autistic people that most of you donʻt bother to even try to attain in your own social interactions. It is really unbalanced. It is just plain unfair and wrong for you to demand perfection from us when you donʻt seem to care to provide the same considerations to us!

Disrespectful and rude people are telling you all about themselves by the way they treat others. You donʻt need to allow them to bring you down. They are showing themselves to have a problem that you donʻt need to take on as your own problem.

I am going to keep on trying my best to be considerate and kind to others. I am going to keep on trying to Live Aloha! Living Aloha makes the world a better place for all of us! 

Here is my friend Paul Leo Klink speaking about the meaning of “Live Aloha” as well as other positive motivational things about the good that the attitude of Living Aloha does for everyone. – www.LiveAloha.org

Aloha

Unconditional Acceptance

Q: Unconditional Acceptance, what is that?

A: The answer for me: accepting others as they are, without putting preconditions on that acceptance.

I see way too many people who seem to love criticizing and ridiculing other people because they are different from themselves, or because they make different choices for their clothing, style, beliefs, etc.

I am personally working on unconditionally accepting other people. (This doesn’t include toxic or abusive people. Bullies don’t get a free pass from me.)

If a person decides to have green hair and it makes them happy, why would someone else make fun of them for that choice? It is not your place to try to force anyone else to conform to your desires, is it? Leave them alone and let them be happy. It is none of your concern.

Another example would be tattoos. Some people ridicule, condemn, and judge people who have tattoos. Why? Tattoos have been around longer than any living person on this planet. If someone chooses to get a tattoo what business is it of yours? If it makes them happy then that is what matters. I have even seen people with one style of tattoo making fun of other styles of tattoos. Why do that? It is a form of judgment and oppression to be so negative and critical of other people. Does it make things better for anyone to do that? No it does not.

Another big example are attitudes towards disabilities. Too many people are ableist bigots. They only value able-bodied people and put down those with visible or invisible disabilities. Why do that? It is wrong. Think about this – if you currently don’t have any kind of disability, you are very most likely only temporarily fully able-bodied. At some point in your life you are very likely to become temporarily or permanently disabled to some degree. Nothing is guaranteed in life except change. Things change. Change is something that happens to everyone. Someday you might be one of those disabled people whom you look down on now.

There are plenty of other examples. I don’t need to list them all.

Try to be accepting that other people are not all just like you. They have the right to make their own choices in life. If you are spreading misery and hate then you are making the world a worse place for everyone. Try to spread love and kindness. Try, at the very least, to avoid being a bully who makes fun of other people. Try to make the world a kinder and more accepting place for all people.

Don’t be the prick that pops other people’s bubbles of happiness.

Be someone who helps to make others to smile. Try to make people happier for having you around them.

Thank you.

Autistic Aloha Comment Moderation

Here is a hint for people commenting on my blog, ‘Autistic Aloha.’ If your comment is: vilifying Autism; talking about a non-existent Autism “epidemic;” blaming Autism on anti-vaccine rubbish; calling Autistics a “burden,” “tragedy,” “damaged,” etc; or talking about a non-existent “Big Pharma Conspiracy;” I will not allow it.

I am all about Autism Acceptance. It’s MY blog and I don’t have to let harmful, hurtful, or damaging comments on MY blog. Those negative types of comments won’t make it past moderation.

Thank you to all the thoughtful, supportive, and Autism accepting commenters who add value by posting good comments to my blog.

Socializing as an Autistic: The Burden of Second Guessing

It happens like this. One day I ran into someone at a gas station that I had not seen for a while. It was nice to see them and I enjoyed seeing them. However, as I drove away, an old familiar though process kicked in. —

1. Did I say the right things?
2. Did I forget to say something?
3. Should I have extended my hand for a friendly handshake?
4. Should I have given a quick hug?
5. Did I look at the person’s face enough?
6. Did I look at their face too much?
7. Did my eyes dart around too much and make them uncomfortable?
8. Boy, I sure hope that they enjoyed talking with me.
9. And so on…  

This is the burden that I seem to have to bear during, and after, nearly every social interaction that I have with people. I feel so out of place, like a fish out of water.

Even though people should understand that my social skills will be spotty because I am Autistic, I rarely come away from social interactions without second guessing myself.  

I don’t know if I will ever be able to feel like I am totally getting these things right. Please know that I am concerned about doing the right things. Please know that I really do enjoy catching up with my friends. Please don’t ever get the idea that I don’t like you if you see me being awkward, or uncomfortable, during any social encounter. I really do like talking with you even if I am not that good at it. I am friendly even if it doesn’t’ always seem readily apparent. 

Thank you for your understanding of my Autistic social anxieties. Please remember that I am trying hard to do the right things. My mind is racing behind the conversation to come up with the right words. Please allow me a little extra time to process my thoughts. Please know that I value your time, attention, and friendship. 

Image from: http://dirksbigbunnyblog.blogspot.com/2012/10/blog-post_8.html

Judgment and Oppression vs Love and Acceptance

Yesterday, a family member called to wish our son a Happy Birthday. As far as I can tell, that part of the phone call went well. However, after the phone was handed back to me an old familiar thing happened. I was told how I needed to do something differently than I am. I was subjected to the same old disapproval that I have been suffering from my whole life. I was given unwanted/unrequested criticism, correction and advice.

I have lived with shaming and disapproval for my “different” behavior my entire life. I am a mess of mental and emotional wounds and scars. This is the legacy of a childhood of being constantly shamed and punished for being an undiagnosed Autistic, an atypical undiagnosed child.

Unwanted “advice” always takes away my comfort. It is like ripping open an old wound or sticking a knife into one of them. Despite the clear boundaries that I have tried to put in place, this “loved one” once again triggered feelings of never being “good enough” for them. There I was enjoying my son’s birthday and bam! here comes anxiety from disapproval and oppression by a loved one.

I don’t want or need constant criticism, correction and disapproval from a “loved one” who spent so much time hurting me as they tried to make me more “normal.” I am really so done with putting up with that kind of treatment. Somehow, they even try to turn this around and make it a matter of my need to “forgive” them. I really don’t understand how someone who has treated me wrongly can demand that I “forgive all” without ever actually apologizing for this continuing emotional manipulation and abuse.

I am trying very hard to reduce the stress and anxiety in my life. This person never fails to induce bad feelings, anxiety and stress with their never-ending criticisms and disapproval. I really feel like I am under attack. I need to avoid this toxic oppression of my self-confidence and self-esteem.

I used to share “Don’t judge me” memes but now I think that we need some new memes that say “Don’t oppress me!”

I want unconditional love and acceptance. I don’t want constant criticism, emotional manipulation, and abuse. Is that so hard? I think that many Autistic people will agree with me on this. Love and Acceptance is what we need.